February 24, 2008
Home
We’re back. Settling back into our Portland life after a week’s return to the frozen east and our mothers’ homes.
I wasn’t sure what to expect from this trip. I figured one of two things: either my creeping homesickness would overtake me and I’d start to want to move back east, once I was back among my familiar beloveds and back walking familiar blocks and seeing familiar light, etc etc; or I would be reminded of all the reasons we left and be grateful for having so successfully escaped. What I didn’t expect (for some reason, though it now seems quite the most obvious result) was that this trip back east would finally seal Portland as Home.
Walking into my mother’s house, fresh from the airport, I started to cry because her house smelled like “home.” But it smelled like my childhood home, not like anyplace I’ve lived since I was going on eighteen and off to college. (Cinnamon and old wood and a slight note of paper, for the record. The wood I can chalk up to her antiques. The cinnamon and paper, not sure. But that’s what my mom’s house always smells like. And I never lived in the house she lives in now, so it’s not the house but my mother and her stuff and her cleaning products I was getting all Proustian about, I guess.) So nostalgia for my childhood, and the comfort of being with my mother, and then a family party where we got to see most of the family and many family friends all at once, and that was pretty damn good. That was the first two days of the trip.
A couple of days later, staying with Billy’s mom in his childhood home on the Upper West Side, I got to wallow in the nostalgia for my twenties and early thirties. There was the comfort of walking down streets I have walked down so many damn times I know them in my bones. (Downtown and Brooklyn, that is. UWS never was my turf.) The need to not look around you at all, to be able to feel where you are. I don’t have that in Portland yet. Didn’t know how much I was missing it.
Thumper and I got to spend the day with these three:
That’s Alicia and her son; and Xina. My two oldest, dearest friends, and the boy who was to be Thumper’s oldest, dearest friend. Except we up and moved, so the boys won’t get to have the shared childhood that Alicia and I had. Best laid plans etc etc. (But Billy and I are working hard to convince Alicia and family—and Xina and her fiance, for that matter—to move to Portland. It’ll most likely never happen, but worth a try.)
Later in the trip I got to visit with some of my closest knitty friends at The Point. Damn, I missed my knitters. It was a weekday lunchtime, so some couldn’t make it to the meetup. A big downside to these whirlwind visits… Must try to schedule a weekend day for knitting on our next trip back east.
So there were dear friends and family. There was knitting with more dear friends. The bagels were from H&H, the knishes from Zabars. There was beautiful winter light in Brooklyn, complete with gold-tipped trees in Prospect Park.
There was snow for Thumper to play in.
Really…everything was conspiring to make me want to move back to New York. And yet…at no point did I want to move back. We had a wonderful visit to the familiar places to visit the beloved, familiar people. And then it was time to leave, and we got on the plane and left. And as the plane came in low over Vancouver, and we saw the boats on the Columbia and we touched down in Portland, I turned to Billy and said exactly what I was thinking. I said, “I just remembered why we left New York.” Why? “Because we could.”
It is, apparently, entirely possible to love New York and leave it. Possible to love New York and many people in it, and then move far far away and find a much better life in that new, far-off place. This morning we woke up in our bed in Portland, where it was mid-fifties and sunny. Billy made blueberry pancakes, and then we played in the backyard and I prepped the garden bed for planting the early seeds next week by turning the winter cover crop under. When Thumper was ready for his nap, we loaded him into his stroller and walked across the Hawthorne Bridge while he slept. We strolled around downtown, stopped off for burritos (while he still slept). Got some coffee for me, walked back across the Morrison Bridge and then home, where he finally woke up. Something shifted in Portland while we were gone, and now things are blooming and the air smells like jasmine. (It may not actually be jasmine blooming, but it’s something sweet that I remember first smelling in springtime in Hong Kong.)
We are home. Absolutely home. I’m ready to finish unpacking now. Ready to hang the paintings and mirrors. Ready to get the garden going. Ready to get the guest room set up, because we’ve told our friends and family back east that we’re expecting plenty of visits.
And now, off to the market. After a week+ away, the cupboard is quite bare.
Posted by cari at February 24, 2008 08:09 PMWelcome Home! Sounds like you had a great trip back to NYC. Hopefully your friends will move West and join you.
Sometime I'd like to treat you to a welcome to Oregon cup of coffee at a PDX yarn shop, or even down here in Mac if you're ever of a mind to head a few miles south. :)
I also took advantage of the nice weather we're having, planted my peas and tended my kale, kohlrabi & broccoli that wintered over. It's a good break before the spring rains start up. :)
Posted by: MicheleMy DH misses real New York bagels from H&H even after 15 years, so I order them directly from H&H for him. They ship the last back out on DHL, and arrive before 8 the next morning.
I swear they're almost still warm!
Posted by: Diannwelcome home. :)
isn't it amazing when you make that first important trip back to where you lived before only to find yourself feeling differently than you would have imagined?
i just got home from vegas and man, am i happy!!! happy to be home!
Posted by: shanny in oregonIt's probably forsythia. I remember (when I lived in Portland...oh, I still miss it) how the forsythia was one of the first flowering shrubs of spring. Yellow buds marking the changing of the seasons. I'm still knee deep in snow in Minnesota. Sigh.
Posted by: MinneapolismamaOf all your posts, I think this is my favorite.
Posted by: MelissaIt's clear, even though I got to see you for a second, that Portland agrees with you. And I'm so happy that you're happy and settled and in love with your new home.
Posted by: MichelleThat visit was a smart thing to do -- a sort of final cutting of the umbilicus, if you will. Seal the deal. Awesome. And shut up with the turning under of the cover crop business, will ya? It's several months away for me yet!
Posted by: NormaI'm so glad the trip produced all those good feelings and that you've found your home.
Posted by: Dr.StephWelcome home! The scent is most likely winter-blooming daphne. They are short and inconspicuous, with small deep-pink flowers.
Posted by: AndiIt was so great to see you, albeit for such a short visit. But I'm grateful that I got to see you at all! I'm glad that your visit east didn't stir up any feelings of regret. My perspective on this is limited at best, but it seems like Portland was definitely the right move for you and your family. You seem completely content there, which is a state to which we all aspire, is it not?
Posted by: reginaWelcome home. It sounds like you had a great holiday, which is very good news. But that coming-home feeling is good news, too. Although I wonder how much the weather had to do with it... I'd certainly rather be on the West Coast in February. (Sigh!)
Posted by: alisonWelcome home! I think it was daphne you were smelling. We have a giant bush in our back yard, tiny little pink flowers. You would never imagine such little flowers producing such a big stink! I was walking down 34th just before hawthorne and had to turn around the smell was so big and yummy! I should have knit night at my house as soon as everything is blooming, our yard is pretty amazing!
Posted by: LorajeanYay!!!!!!! Sorry I missed you at the Point.
And also, I do think sometimes you don't know what is home until you leave it and come back to it.
Posted by: LizbonHome really isn't a geographical place but a feeling, I think.
Posted by: claudiaI really enjoyed reading this. A few close friends of mine have left New York recently and more and more I find myself considering the possibility. It is so hard to think about living somewhere else but I'm glad to see that you can love it here and leave here and make a new and maybe better life somewhere. That's for the inspiration and reassurance.
Posted by: miss mildredSounds like the perfect trip. And as others have said, Welcome Home.
Posted by: Rachel HHi, I'm a born and bred Portlander and I've "lurked" on your blog for quite some time now (well, maybe I made a comment once) and I just felt so compelled to thank you for this post. Having lived here all my life, I'm afraid I can sometimes take this beautiful city for granted. Your post really touched me and made me appreciate where we live. Thank you and welcome home.
Posted by: ElizabethIt's amazing how going back to somewhere can make the feelings you thought you were harboring for those places change and solidify in your mind. I'm glad that you and Billy have found "home" and are enjoying your new place. You are darn right that it's time to finish unpacking and hang those pictures!!!
Posted by: Lyndamost.beautiful post.ever.
Thank you for the reminders of what HOME
really means.
xoxox
Welcome home, and I agree with someone earlier it is probably Daphne Odorata blooming, it smells like heaven. I have one just by my driveway and the whole front porch is fragrant. I love Portland, and I've lived here for 30+ years now.
Posted by: OtterThank you for this post! Hubby and I are planning our own move from NYC to Portland (scheduled for the end of April), and he's out there right now interviewing. Making this kind of massive change is very out of character for us, and it's just so great to hear that you are happy out west. Hubby was going to scout out bagels tomorrow... any suggestions?
Posted by: abbyYippee! Portland is home! BUT ummm I have to warn you this is the time of the year when Spring teases us in the Northwest by encouraging flowers to bloom and the sun comes out and we are happy before plunging deep into another month of rain which drags us down but oh makes us really appreciate Spring when it does arrive!
Posted by: RebeccaTell your publisher or agent,or whoever is in charge that we need your book published! I missed you while you were back in NY. And the snippets of fiction you share with us are amazing! Girl, you write!!
Glad you have found your way home.
Posted by: pattieI was thinking of Daphne as I read your post. That is the smell that brings me out of the Winter doldrums every Spring. My grandmother always had a bush planted just outside the back door. It is odd to be planning on a move out of Portland while reading this. Mine will only be temporary at the moment, but I do worry that once you move out of a place you can never really go back home.
Posted by: debI am so glad you had a good trip. It's good to hear that you feel Portland is home now and that you enjoy the life you have made for yourself here.
Posted by: TerezaAnd the flowers could very well be Sarcococca ruscifolia which I have been smelling all over town lately. They are inconspicuous white-blooming shrubs that smell like a heavenly tropical night.
Posted by: TerezaWelcome back!
I've never lived in a city that has the same sense of place that NYS has, and I can only imagine how difficult it would be to leave. But the PNW is happy to have you back - there really, for me anyway, is not another place like Oregon.
(And it did get warm all of a sudden, didn't it?)
Posted by: Tinai was thinking of you this weekend and imagining how it was coming back. i haven't had a big trip back to real home yet, and i wonder. pdx isn't home yet, although i should perhaps plan a visit back when it's reallly cold to help the acclimatization process along.
Posted by: kWhat a lovely post!
Posted by: aprilReally happy for you that you are feeling at HOME. Enjoy playing in the garden.
Posted by: SharonThe story of transitioning from Home to Home was beautifully told, Miss. I think I'm moving to Portland.
Posted by: johnI had the exact same feeling the past couple of times I've flown down to CA to see friends. It's nice to visit, and to feel nostalgic about where you came from. But there's nothing like looking out that plane window, seeing Mt. Hood up close and personal, and thinking, "I'm home!". I love it here in PDX.
Posted by: JeanHow very wonderful for you. Welcome home.
Posted by: HeatherI thought that you moved because you had said in a prior post that you wanted to write and raise your kid on one salary and it was easier to do that in Portland, Or. then in NYC, but then you wrote this:"or I would be reminded of all the reasons we left and be grateful for having so successfully escaped." What were the other reasons and what were you escaping from? - just curious.
Posted by: J.Yup!
Posted by: valentinaGlad to hear you are "home". It does take some time to realize where that is. It is comforting when you find it though.
Posted by: MicheleI'm so happy for you... enjoy your new home!
Posted by: Susan (Hyperactive Hands)